did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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