twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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