There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
