No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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