my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
