Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
