guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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