I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
this just has baby written all over it
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
