I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I think my moral compass just broke
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
