i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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