i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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