Taylor Swift is so right about you.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
