see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
