I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
