Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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