So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
