i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
