3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just saw a hot homeless man
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
