I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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