My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
