Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
