Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
