i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
