I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
