I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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