yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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