Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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