ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
