I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
