Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
