Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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