dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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