apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
