I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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