Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
