I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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