I think im going to throw up on grandma
someone owes me an orgasm
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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