Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
