i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
