these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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