Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
