A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
