I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
