Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
