i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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