Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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