I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
