I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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