I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
