she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
